1/27/2008 3:23:00 PM
Punch the Wilbur-Whitney ticket
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Nicholas Wilbur and Andraya Whitney
One score and several years ago our fathers brought forth unto this planet a new Nicholas, a new Andraya, conceived in intoxication but with dedication to the proposition that all Kingmanites are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great local battle, testing whether that Nicholas, that Andraya, or any Nicholas and any Andraya so conceived and so dedicated to equality can long endure. We are met on a crossroads of that battle. And it is we who, with great honor and thanks to those whose encouragement spawned this decision, are announcing our candidacies for mayor and vice mayor with hope that we, under God, shall spur a new birth of freedom, accountability and integrity, that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish in this rural Arizona community.
We stand here today to pledge our undying commitment to the citizenry of this beloved community, to have and to hold, 'til death do us part with this promise: that every day henceforth, we shall lead from a platform founded in the strength of an open-ear, open-heart and open-door ideology.
In years not so long passed, each of us has served as witness to the injustices of the good old boy hierarchy, incompetence of geriatric hotheads and inexperience of hairless henchmen. Tomorrow we shall start anew. It shall not come with ease, nor shall it be swift. But it will endure as God is our guide. A great people has been moved to refund a not-so-great 2006 city election, and we believe that although having missed the registration deadline, you will select us as your write-in candidates.
Clearly, we have been involved in the debate over the future of Kingman - bingo-playing retirement community or mixed-age, vibrant city? Many readers have called and written to us to express their aggravation with their perception that retired folks and other older people essentially drive all decisions in Kingman, particularly since they are the most likely to vote in elections. Who better to serve those who are afraid of the blue hairs taking over than two of the city's younger residents - people who are not currently taking blood pressure medication or ordering their "diabeetis" testing supplies from Wilford Brimley?
Impact fees
Kingman fits none of the four general standards that usually justifies the implementation of impact fees: we do not have a high population, a primary property tax, a large capital investment system or moderate or high growth. Repealing them altogether would be a headache neither we nor Coral Loyd want to deal with, but if the boycotts didn't stop us, neither will the prospect of a migraine. With the help of extra strength Excedrin, we shall abolish these taxes and let growth flourish. Freedom from impact fees is indivisible, and when one man is enslaved by them, all are not free.
Vote Wilbur/Whitney and be the change you don't have in your pocket.
Crossing and
reimbursements (or incentives if you're Mayor Byram)
Let us never negotiate a sales tax reimbursement out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate. We will consider Vanderbilt's proposal, whatever it is and whenever it comes, but we will not succumb to the sly ways of a felonious swindler who owes this country $2 billion for taxpayer bilking.
Vanderbilt, ask not what our sales tax dollars can do for you. Ask what you can do for our sales tax dollars. Otherwise, make haste! Ye venal developers be gone! Vanderbilt, tear down this mall!!
We will never have to cover our actions by threatening IRS audits or making such statements as, "We did not make a backdoor deal with that woman."
As for the financing of the Kingman Crossing and Rattlesnake Wash interchanges, there is one option that has not yet been discussed by any Council or mayoral candidates: a community bake sale.
Honestly, we believe all candidates who have thus far overlooked this cheap, and we believe, super-fun method of raising funds for capital improvements already has a giant strike against them. Granted, we may need to operate the event every day for about 176 years, but hey, who doesn't like to bake?
We are both avid bakers, but we did not inhale that cookie dough. We pledge to devote all those hours we're not kneaded in Council Chambers to whipping up some scrumptious treats for anyone with 50 cents and a hankering for good ol' American apple pie. How's that for publicly engaged city officials?
City manager search
Other than to call for a thorough city manager search, we will not belabor this topic. We cannot decide today who is the best fit to manage Kingman tomorrow; we haven't advertised the position yet. We do know that whoever is selected won't write his or her own contract and he or she will not be relocating from anywhere within 1,000 miles of Dover, N.H.
Call to the Public and communication
The issue of communication between government and mere mortal residents is quite in vogue these days, but nobody seems to be offering solutions beyond moving the Call to the Public back to the beginning of Council meetings (duh) or actually replying to city e-mails - you know, besides the dirty jokes. As leaders, we will schedule town hall meetings one Saturday per month, utilizing the Kingman Academy of Learning auditorium we essentially already paid $96,000 to rent out via an impact fee waiver.
Town halls could be topic-based when controversial issues come up, such as Byram-Beecher statue erecting, lagging bake sale revenues or Council member hair ribbon violations.
They also could be expanded Calls to the Public, allowing residents to air their grievances or point out areas of concern. Here's news: We will even allow residents to speak longer than three or five minutes, and we won't tell anyone to "sit down and shut up" - unless he is a Dunton, a Schritter or a Pennington, as they will be as subhuman to us as they have been to the current administration.
We shall listen to residents, duh; we shall not silence the public, duh; and we shall encourage public involvement.
Some of you may wonder whether I, Andraya, would be able to work effectively with Councilman Kerry Deering after he made some rather derogatory remarks about my appearance and my professional work. I have a plan for that, too. I will institute Hair Ribbon Day in all city offices every Monday, such that all women who enter any city building would be required to wear appropriate feminine attire and hair accoutrements. Since Council meetings are usually on Mondays, Mr. Deering should rarely see me without such accessories, and his first fear would be allayed.
Also, with my resignation from the Miner effective this past Friday, I suspect Mr. Deering's concerns about my work would also be negated.
We have a dream that one day, on the red slopes of Radar Hill, the sons of both Deeringites and anti-Deeringites will be able to sit together at the raised podium of brotherhood. We are all overpaid good old boys, we are all voiceless citizens.
Downtown
revitalization
Nearly every candidate has expressed the need to revitalize the downtown area. We, however, have an error-proof strategy to raise the necessary funds. We shall install toll booths at all entrances to downtown, charging those entering $75. We know what you're all thinking - "I don't want to pay an outrageous toll to shop on Beale Street!" No worries. None of you shop on Beale Street anyway. Most of the people who drive into the city on a regular basis are city employees. And guess what city employees are? Overpaid.
Because pay cuts are terribly unpopular, this makes for a lovely alternative. We're betting we wouldn't have to keep this policy in place very long before we made enough money to rehab more buildings like Central Commercial, especially considering how many trips those city employees make in their (our) city vehicles. Which brings us to our next point. City vehicles, make haste! Be gone!
Budget shortfall and cuts
We're facing a shortfall in revenues. We will not belabor the reasons for this shortfall, because if you don't know already then you are most likely employed by the only business not tightening its belt: the government.
To combat the shortage, all of the city vehicles, not including the squad cars and fire trucks, will be cut from the budget and sold at auction. Like every other business that requires travel of its employees, we will compensate for personal vehicular usage at 0.485 cents per mile, the federal standard.
In the 2004-05 fiscal year, the city hired some ungodly amount of people to keep up with the growth surge. Now we have barely any growth, so they are sitting on their thumbs. Thumbsitters, make haste! Be gone!
We will reward our employees for accomplishments, but salaries will not be raised simply "to stay competitive"; they will be raised only when an employee has gone "above and beyond." (Current city staff: learn that term.)
For years we have subsidized the golf course. No more. We will increase green fees and Elks Lodge steak dinners to make the golf course self-sufficient. Otherwise, it will close (tear). Same goes for KART, our rarely-used bus service. Neither the city of Kingman nor taxpayers is responsible for driving you to Kmart.
Finally, we will apply the same policy to the Chamber of Commerce, which sucks $180,000 a year from our revenues. Perhaps we could do with fewer Chamber "mixers." We do not support using tax dollars to throw parties for the elite business owners of this town.
And read our lips: no more Council retreats.
We need to sprinkle Miracle-Gro on the flower that is Kingman. Help us give back to the community that has given us so much.
Vote Wilbur/Whitney on May 20 for change, managed growth and fiscal responsibility.
Vote Wilbur/Whitney and hair ribbon stores will be forever plentiful.
Vote Wilbur/Whitney to restore honesty, integrity and accountability to city government.
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